Open your eyes.

• 2012-05-21

  Parte 143 de Rayuela.

  Copiaré lo que le escribí a Camilo, no porque quiera hacerlo público sino porque quiero poder recordar lo que sentí un veintiuno de mayo, cuando pensé que porfin estaba preparada para escribir medianamente acerca del amor, que podía escribir un libro acerca de las malas decisiones y sobre el arrepentimiento, la inseguridad y la culpa.

  No que nuestra relación haya estado marcada especialmente por alguna de estas, pero los sentimientos en estos días serían suficientes para ilustrar una novela.

  Querido Camilo, 

  Decir que has sido una de las personas más importantes en mi vida en LPC se queda corto. Te pegué esta página de Rayuela porque hoy lo estaba ojeando y descubrí que había escrito tu nombre en esta página - pareció adecuado. No me malinterpretes, no soy de las que escribe confesiones, pero esa impotencia en conseguir tener una conexión de amor contigo ha marcado nuestra relación creo. Quería dejar un pedacito de mi en esta página, que me recordaras como alguien quien pinta en sus libros y que recordaras que la soledad nos persigue a todos en algunos momentos. Además del conjunto de emociones que he sentido hacia ti, la mayoría bastante mezcladas y perdidas, recordaré nuestras conversaciones, nuestros debates, escuchar música en tu habitación, abrazarte, tus bromas, tu apoyo. Si algo pudiera cambiar sería haber sido más sincera con ambos acerca de mi misma; creo que he aprendido, gracias a verte conseguir tu pedacito de felicidad acompañada, que amar o enamorarse no es algo por lo que debamos avergonzarnos. Creo que nunca te llegué a transmitir lo importante que fue para mi tu apoyo, tu ayuda, aquella noche en LKD de China Week cuando estuve en peligro. Emocionalmente, me salvaste esa noche y no hubiera podido aguantarlo sin ti. No quiero convertir eso en dos páginas, pero también te quería decir que de admiro muchísimo, una de las razones por las que intento hacerme amiga de la gente que admiro es que me motivan a leer; a aprender sobre cosas nuevas; a escuchar otra música; a cambiar, debatir mis opiniones. Me ha encantado pasar por eso contigo y espero que me sigas contando sobre lo que aprendes, lo que descubres a erca del mundo y de las personas.

  Eres muy especial Camilo, y espero que nunca olvides que una parte de ti me la llevo conmigo. Espero que seas muy feliz, y que tu tristeza te lleva a escribir líneas hermosas.

  Te quiero muchísimo Camilo, y me alegro muchísimo de que hayas encontrado a alguien como Mia, que trae tanta alegría y luz. Sé que estés donde estés, volverás a encontrar personas que iluminen tu día a día, y estoy segura de que nos encontraremos de nuevo. Te echaré de menos. Te amo, 

  Carol 

• 2012-05-16

  Mudanzas

  Ayer pasé una gran parte de mi día limpiando mi habitación, vaciando mi armario y cajones y despegando fotos de la pared y ahora de verdad mi habitación no parece mia y desde luego, no tiene ese sentimiento de hogar que le ha pertenecido durante estos dos años. Todo está lleno de papeles y bolsas de plástico que voy a tirar o regalar, los libros están apilados en una estantería para devolver a la biblioteca y profesores y la maleta me llama desde el medio del piso para que la mandé a Portland.

  Es como si mandarla a Portland fuera jurar que voy a acabar allí, que no puede pasar nada que cambie eso, que esto ya no es donde pertenezco, y mientras mi maleta viaja yo pensaré en todo lo que va a cambiar y tendré un verano sin ropas para asumir que esto se ha acabado.

• 2012-05-06

  Thesis

  So I was reading about different education systems, and thinking how interesting would be to set that as my life-goal. I mean, to radically change Spain’s education system.

  But everytime I wonder about something like that - that concrete that it is tackable - I can’t stop asking myself if it’s just impossible to make effective change that doesn’t attack the production relations, and by that I mean, if the inequality present in families and working conditions is kept, can public education change that much? I mean, opportunities will be always higher for the wealthy people.

  
  But then, in the middle of my readings, I came accross this interesting fact about the status of teachers in Finland. I’ve known for a while that it is a very hard position to obtain (just 1 out of 10 applicants) and that it is very respected, today I discovered that this status is not accompanied by a high salary. In fact, is lower than the one for Spanish teachers, although they do have more free time.

  I was thinking of the Marxist argument relating how it is money and not social value what gives nowadays status to a position, but I think maybe this is changable.

  Then I though that would be a very interesting thesis in politics/sociology to write:

  a) Current social perceived status and subsequent individual’s desire or interest for different occupation.

  b) How is career choice influenced by our means and wealth?

  c) If money and salary are one of the main factors that give perceived value to an occupation, how would it change the efficiency, and the people’s career choices and motivation if it were to be substituted by social utility?

  Can the street cleaner be as reputated as the doctor or the pharmacist? It’s as useful for society.
  
  Is it a sustainable thesis to believe that if we first try to move this status value out of money towards social utility, salaries would follow that and be organized in a scale of social utility? Is this more desirable?

  How can it help us in achieving social equality?

  Although very interested in all those questions, I’m now going to sleep, but I have in my head how motivating it is to know that I will be writing a thesis on my last year of college, therefore, I should be chosing those courses that will somehow help me on my topic. That all the acquired more theoretical knowledge will be useful as foundations of my own created or rescued knowledge, that I need those foundations to create my own thing.

  Too tired and sleepy for this.

• 2012-04-29

  Renn Fayre, Burke and other Friends.

  I’ve been productive for a few days. Tomorrow I had my first exam in which I am supossed to show all I’ve learnt throughout those two years, scary, huh? And I can think and ask myself: what have I been doing for those two weeks? Why have I not been studying?

  So, in 12 hours I’ll be having breakfast, with no more time to study. But I want to do great, at least in Political Thought, because I came to Hong Kong because of this subject, because it eventually turned the balance towards LPC rather than Mahindra, because it was the small detail that might have shaped my whole life - and not because of its syllabus, but because it made me come here and be exposed to a wide variety of people whom I wouldn’t have met otherwise. So I want to do great tomorrow, and I don’t mind sleeping little - the whole sleeping before exams is bullshit that I told myself at some point. I’ve done great in exams before with little sleep - why am I writing instead of studying right now? Because I need this, I do it constantly, I need to leave written testimony of how I am feeling, how things go, why I do things, how I motivate myself.

  So I read the Publico interview and I thought I had been too unfair when I said I did not like it. And I thought that what Joel thought of me matterwaytoo much to be healthy at that point and I’m glad it’s not like that anymore. Simply, I feel more free.

  So I read some entries, of days in my blog, where I repeatedly reiterated my interest, my love for discovering about human nature and humans in society.

  I remembered myself long ago, writing that constitution, when I knew no English, when I did not understand Hobbes without a dictionary every twelve seconds.

  No matter how badly I do tomorrow, the improvement from the first term till now is incredible. No matter how badly I do, I have 28 points in my IA that is 30% of my grades, and just to calm my self, I’ll at least get 21 more points in Paper 1 and 26 points more in Paper 2. That would make 28+21+26 = 75 which is a 6.

  And yes. I would like to do better. And I am going to do better than that because I want to prove to myself that my determination, the one that brought me here, the one that made me leader of Amnesty and Teenaiders, and got me into Peersupport, and convinced me to conduct in Playback and to coreograph for ECE and make costumes for LACE, the determination that makes me find a job, and love my family, and prepare a birthday present or party, that determination is with me all the time, and I’m going to do my best tomorrow, and today.

  Which means that I won’t go to sleep until I’m clear that I’ve done what I needed, and that I’ll be doing great writing for three hours tomorrow.

  Good luck Carol.

  (Writing to myself again…)

  I hope I’ll do good.

• 2012-04-05

  Competition and philantropy

  Today I’ve heard many times allusions to “human nature”, and whether if it is our true nature to be competitive, selfish, compassive, empathic, sexually active or religious. The definition of human nature keeps also appearing in my political thought essays and readings and the truth is, maybe that is what literature looks for. 

  By inventing characters brought up from our ownself and experiences, aren’t we making a statement about the nature of human being???

• 2012-04-02

  http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/18/opinion/sunday/the-neuroscience-of-your-brain-on-fiction.html?_r=3&pagewanted=all

• 2012-04-01

  

• →

  Time runs faster than you can write it.

  This is a relevant post. 

  It sounds almost patronizing to start by saying that, but it is a post in which I am taking a new path, together with the changes that seem to be happening in my life.

  Firstly, I have not written in a very long time, and I think it has been due to been extremely busy and not being able to write in the moments of stronger emotion. I do not want that to keep happening. Writing is a faculty that improves by practising, therefore, I want to practise as much as possible.

  Secondly, I am bored of the “I” marking every single entry, I am tired of the direct allusions, or the vague political critiques. I want this blog to start being the blog of a prospective writer, a prospective journalist. I am done with the privacy clause, because it is simply an excuse to write lazily. From now on, I will share this blog with more people, and if I am sad I won’t write I am sad because of this, but I will try to create characters, stories that can make universal the situations I am going through. From now on, if I read a piece of news that makes me feel indignation, I will discuss it and comment on it. No more summaries of what I have done during the day.

  Thirdly, it looks boring because it has all of my diary-like input, and very little imagery. I am going to try use resources - images, pictures, etc. - as well as literary resources - methaphors, sinestesia - to give some spices to this blog.

  Hopefully, in one year I will be able to share this blog with others and feel proud of how far I’ve gone.

• 2012-03-02

  so scared

  Today was sunny which would have been a good thing.

  In fact it was. I hand in my final wordlit, I watched a documentary about Burma.

  And tomorrow we leave for project week. All the things I have been able to do because of being here, in LPC. And it’s almost over.

  It’s not being scared, it’s more the feeling of becoming conciouss that this is coming to an end. That in a few months I’ll be … home? … looking pics in facebook and skyping people. Missing this place. Home.

  Ah. 

• 2012-02-27

  Challenge

  yourself and you will be disappointed. Then you will improve and then you would feel incredibly glad and proud.

  That’s how it works. Everything is hard when you start, but the efforts bring improvement. 

  Hopefully we will be able to build an amazing playground next week.

  Feeling that I could not go on, close my eyes, imagine the empty courtyard, imagining myself holding the pala and being able to keep digging. Keep digging.

  A colourful playground on the last day.